I was lost in the world of illusion. My ego ,with its malformed defense mechanisms, would persuade me to do something on impulse only to stop me mid-action with fear and with regret that I had not done everything perfectly. As a result I felt like a failure having tried so many things and failed so many times.
Its very easy to descend into illusion again reliving every past mistake in my head and being completely unable to cope, completely unable to try, completely unable to live my life.
It's very easy to begin to believe in the illusionary thought that failure is my fate. Fate is an Archon in Gnosticism,literally a demonic personification of the term. She is the ruler of fate but she is also evil. God can overcome any evil in our lives.
So I do still relive those past mistakes every day to some extent but ever so slowly I am getting better. I now have a religion that puts me in touch with God rather than commands me to pray and have blind faith without knowing how to listen or see, I am in therapy, and I have been drug free for months.
George Eliot said,
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."
My past mistakes, my past evils, don't make me a failure or a bad person my choices in the present do.
If I can stay in the present as God has exhorted me too over and over again in my dreams and live my life in a right if imperfect way I am as good as anyone can be.
The past is dead, the future is uncertain, only the present exists.
Of course that doesn't mean I can't learn lessons from the past or think about possible futures (particularly when using the tarot) but I CAN'T Live in either. If I do I descend into all encompassing illusion ,into a deep dark pit, and I think instead its time to ascend to the Pleroma of infinite light!
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